


mirror, mirror, on the wall

by beccabarnes



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:58:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4705217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beccabarnes/pseuds/beccabarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being an idol comes with heavy job requirements but the expectations are a lot more than just difficult to live up to, sometimes they can be overwhelming, suffocating, and just downright consuming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	mirror, mirror, on the wall

Woohyun knows his mirror very well.

When he was three, he used the family soup ladle as a microphone and sang in front of it, pretending he a famous singer, belting out note after note, checking his reflection to see if he looked anything like someone who could be on TV. (Later, his mother would scold him for contaminating the spoon with drops of saliva and Boohyun still brought it up sometimes on days he decided the old wooden spoon would be better than their new fancy china one.)

After he turned eleven, his school shuffled classes, and the pretty girl from room 403 had been moved to his classroom and the mirror had been his best friend when he tried to smooth down his hair and make sure his uniform was just right. (It hadn't mattered in the end because she hardly spared him a glance and by the time they were in high school, she was dating that straight A student that sat at the front of the class and wore the geeky black-rimmed glasses. Woohyun still holds some residue resentment from those years because every now and then, he'll wear his empty frames and wonder if his first crush would like him now.)

Later, at sixteen, the mirror was where he practiced his winning smile, the one that would win him a place at an entertainment company and then later, the heart of his fangirls. In front of it, he smiled and pouted and sang and belted and danced and imitated the idols on television. He practiced making hearts (because that's what they liked) and he practiced smiling while dancing, singing while holding a brush to his face, dancing while singing. It was where he, feeling extremely stupid, perfected his aegyo and his charm because he knew that was the only way he'd make it.

Even if you just wanted to create music, you didn't make it just singing anymore. You had to do everything else, too.

*

Now, home for a rare visit and the smell of Boohyun's cooking floating through the halls into the room, Woohyun hates his mirror.

  
It's always been something that could offer him reassurance. If an angle was off, he could fix it with the mirror's help. If a smile was forced, he practiced again and again and the mirror gave him immediate feedback. If his hair was sticking up strangely in the back, the mirror was quick and eager to assist.

But now, it was telling him his cheeks were too chubby and there were no immediate reassurances. It was telling him his abs weren't the chocolate abs (weren't Hoya's abs), the kind fangirls wanted to see and swoon over. It was telling him that his arms weren't defined, that his legs jiggled in his jeans, and that everything about his appearance was wrong for an idol.

Woohyun _needed_ to be an idol singer. It was his job, his dream, his _life_. The only life he knew, the only life he knew how to be good at.

  
He wants to punch his reflection but he grins at it and winks. There's no place for frowns in the business.

  
*

Boohyun's a chef and Woohyun's been smelling his welcome-home-dinner all afternoon but when he sits down, he barely even picks at his food. Umma frowns at him and piles more kimchi onto his plate.

  
"No, it's fine. I ate before I left the dorm and the managers say I shouldn't eat too much."

  
The first part is a blatant lie and the second part is technically true, although no one's really enforced a diet since their trainee days. It was more like a passing suggestion prompted by netizen comments about Woohyun's cheeks and Woohyun knows that he won't get in trouble for eating but he can still hear the manager's voice and that's enough to make him dump half his rice back into the cooker.

  
Umma still looks concerned but she's learned to drop it. They've argued about the industry before, more times than Woohyun can count, but it always leaves him drained and besides, this was his _dream_ and in the end, he chose it. Eventually, Boohyun had stepped in and told Umma to stop.

*

  
Pretty soon, Woohyun's back at the dorm.

  
It's hardly been two days but he's not going to complain. There's never enough time for going home and they're always overworked and busy but they knew what they were getting into and Woohyun feels lucky that he even got a chance to see his parents and brother. Hoya, who's family is still in Busan (and always will be - Hoya's father hates Seoul), rarely gets to visit his family at all.

Being back at the dorm means busy schedules and not enough sleep. It also means his Umma isn't around to watch what he eats and the other members are so busy and they hardly see each other between recordings anyway that Woohyun hardly has to eat in front of them anyway.

  
Woohyun thinks it's almost too easy when he starts to cut his portions.

  
*

  
The thing about mirrors is that they might differ slightly mirror to mirror but in the end, they're all the same. Some might be a little dustier, some a little more ornate, some are polished without a smudge in sight, and some have cracks down the edges. The rare one might make you look a little distorted but the true picture is always visible. (Or at least, what you perceive as true.)

  
The mirror in their dorm bathroom is different than the one in his bedroom at home but Woohyun knows it's still a mirror and it's telling him all the same things as before in that same cruel, cold voice with his own (too chubby) face.

  
Woohyun is nothing if not determined and he _needs_ to look like an idol because he refuses to be the weak link in Infinite. The members are like his brothers and letting them down would be worse than never becoming an idol at all, never reaching his dream.

  
He stops eating.

No one asks questions or interferes with other members' eating habits anymore; it's been an unspoken rule from the beginning, from way back when all junk food was banned, the list of acceptable foods put up, and exercise timetables mapped out on the wall of their practice room. Everyone knows Sungjong stashes food but other than to ask for a bite, Woohyun's never mentioned it or tattled to the manager (neither has anyone else). When Hoya eats only a meal a day during promotions, Woohyun doesn't say or do anything (and neither does anyone else) except slip a little extra chicken into his tupperware lunch container.

  
So when Woohyun starts changing how and what he eats, he gets everything from sideways glances from Hoya to piercing stares from Myungsoo to annoyed frowns from Sunggyu but no comments.

  
Everyone understands the pressure he's under-- they would have to. They're all dealing with the same thing themselves.

  
*

  
But even idols know that there's only so much dieting you can do before it becomes dangerously suspicious (unhealthy). Managers might not care (especially in some of the bigger companies), but Infinite's grown close in ways that Woohyun knows eventually, the rule about not interfering will have to be broken. Strategies need to change.

  
Woohyun eats just enough so that he won't pass out but he makes sure that the (small amount) of bites he takes during the day are in front of some member or another. (They can't say anything when they've seen him eating.)

  
He gets up in the morning and while everyone's bustling around, groggily shoving each other for a turn in the bathroom, Woohyun packs lunches in tupperware containers and makes sure everyone sees him pack his own -- full of rice and chicken and kimchi -- into his bag after he hands everyone else's out. (He flushes it down the toilet when he has a break between his schedules.) He brings the empty box (with his name on it) home, puts it in the sink and then yells for Sungyeol to do the dishes. ("It's not my turn, hyung, make Sungjongie do it!" Woohyun grumbles a bit but he's not about to nag the maknae and he's rolling up his sleeves when Sunggyu walks in to push him out. Woohyun misses the look leader has on his face when he sees Woohyun's lunchbox, scraped empty of food.)

On Hoya's trips to the gym, Woohyun tags along and challenges Hoya to competitions pressing and sprinting. When Hoya declares he's had enough and asks if Woohyun's ready to go back, he nods in agreement but halfway back home, Woohyun always feigns a look of annoyance and says, "Forgot my towel, you go first." or he offers to go get Chinese takeout for everyone, or he declares he's off to meet Key for dinner and then doubles back to the gym. He runs and runs and runs until his shirt is soaked through, his head is spinning, and his legs are shaking but there's a small bubble of content floating inside him and he clings to it desperately for reassurance and motivation.

  
When his schedules run late, Woohyun comes home after everyone has eaten already and when Sunggyu offers to go heat some of the leftovers up for him, Woohyun's learned to perfect the shake of his head and reassuring smile as he answers, "Don't worry about it hyung, I ate on the car." (Sunggyu doesn't look reassured. Instead, he looks rather angry. Woohyun ignores him and just smiles again before tackling Myungsoo into a headlock for his turn with the bamboo pillow.)

  
And on the days that he can't avoid eating with everyone else, Woohyun's learned that if he chugs water before, during, and after, everything comes back up easy enough with the end of his toothbrush. ("Yah, hyung, are you trying to drown yourself?" Woohyun's a little annoyed (terrified at getting caught) and shoots back, "Just because you don't work hard enough to get dehydrated doesn't mean we all don't." Sungyeol recoils -- _it was just a joke, sheesh hyung you didn't have to say that (hurt me)_ \-- and neither of them bring it up again.)

  
He knows he has a problem. He doesn't care. Because even if the mirror still isn't satisfied (it never will be), the scale says he's getting there and the lack of netizen comments about his chubby cheeks is enough to satisfy him. (He disregards the comments about his cheeks looking sunken instead-- now they're just being dramatic. He's just tired. _He's always tired._ )

  
*

  
It's 4:30 when Woohyun's alarm goes off from under his pillow. Switching it off quickly, Woohyun tiptoes out of his shared room, careful not to wake Sunggyu up. No one else will be up for another 30 minutes so he takes his time in the bathroom with his facial products - moisturizer, light sunscreen, concealer to hide the circles under his eyes, blush to disguise the hollowness of his cheeks, everything. Idols have to look good (it's why he has so many products, it's why he's the king of aegyo, _it's why he's waging a war on his body and battling with food and treadmills every minute, every day_ ).

  
In the kitchen, Woohyun takes out the leftover rice and begins to pack lunch boxes. Unable to let go of the words from a week ago -- he's just angry that everything's a joke to Sungyeol (he's not upset that someone might find out) --  and feeling slightly vindictive, he moves a small piece of pork from Sungyeol's container into Sungjong's. He splits them evenly every day but Woohyun figures he can 'miscount' every now and then before snapping lids on both of the containers--

  
"You can put ours in the fridge; we can eat it tomorrow. Manager says we've got a different schedule today."

  
Woohyun nearly drops Myungsoo's container and barely saves the contents from tipping upside down as he jumps. "Hyung! You scared me." If his heart's beating a little faster, it's because no one ever bothers him in the kitchen in the morning and not because he's thinking about eating lunch with Sunggyu (expecting to watch him put an entire meal into his stomach). Calming his voice, Woohyun asks, "Okay. What do we have to do instead then?"

"Dunno," Sunggyu shrugs, "Some sort of vocal training?"

Ignoring the panic that's slowly rising through him, Woohyun nods and obediently puts two of the lunch containers into the fridge and finished snapping lids on the rest of them. He's not saying anything but Woohyun is painfully aware of Sunggyu leaning against the door frame, watching him.

Once the lunches are squared away but Sunggyu still hasn't moved, Woohyun isn't quite sure what to do anymore without walking past Sunggyu in the frame (for some reason, the thought of doing it freaks him out more than he probably should, but he tells himself he just doesn't want to smell Sunggyu's morning breath although he doesn't know why he doesn't just _say so_ ) so he grabs a dishcloth and starts wiping away at the (perfectly clean) counter tops.

Finally, Sunggyu moves to silently walk out, throwing over his shoulder a quiet, "We're leaving in 10 minutes. You might want to get dressed."

Woohyun sags against the kitchen sink and breathes heavily. When he goes to get dressed, he slips an empty water bottle into his bag.

*

  
It's not vocal training. They end up on an interview set and Woohyun forces himself to make eye contact and smile and play up the fan-service, even as he wants to throw up because this is his job and there's no way he's throwing all of his (and everyone else's) hardwork away. Sunggyu is just as professional but Woohyun's thousand-watt smile falters a bit when Sunggyu slips an arm around to grip his waist and his eyes widen slightly. They both recover within a split second but Woohyun tells himself Sunggyu was probably surprised because he scratched himself on the tag of his jeans (rather than surprise at his jutting hipbones and his ribs that stick out like sticks).

  
His rationalization is definitely (probably) true but when the camera light dims, Woohyun goes out of his way to avoid  
touching Sunggyu and when Sunggyu talks to him about their next schedule, Woohyun convinces himself that his leader's eyebrows are the most interesting pair he's ever had the chance to examine.

  
*

  
They end up seated on a small table on the edge of a cafeteria. Around them, stylist noonas are laughing and even the photographers are chatting at a table as they munch at the cafeteria food.

  
"It doesn't look very good, does it?" Woohyun is pushing his food around with his chopsticks. His mind keeps flashing to his bag upstairs where his water bottle sat innocently unaware of the pain it was causing by not being in Woohyun's hands.

Sunggyu looks up from his half-eaten tray and eyes Woohyun's full one. "We've had worse." His voice is mild but there's a sharp edge to it.

Woohyun doesn't have anything else to say -- it's true. They've survived on some truly disgusting food, especially back in their trainee days. But after getting by on so little food for so long, the thought of eating a full tray of food makes Woohyun's heart pound.

Looking up from his tray, Woohyun sees that Sunggyu is still watching him, his eyes steady but unreadable. Ignoring his churning stomach, Woohyun starts shoveling the food in his mouth. He eats the entire tray and then the other half of Sunggyu's. Sunggyu frowns.

*

The rest of the recording passes in a daze of smiles and bright lights to Woohyun. He can feel his lunch sitting in his stomach and he breaks out into more than one panicked sweat about how many calories it is (and blames it on the camera lights). He makes silent promises about how much food he'll eat for the rest of the week and he's shaking when he makes a heart with his hands.

Disgusting. He feels despicable and disgusting and he hates himself for eating and he hates himself for getting into this mess to begin with and he hates himself for hating himself and everything is spiraling so quickly out of control. So he counts to ten and plans out every workout for the next two weeks because it's something he can control and it soothes his mind a bit.

Until his stomach flips again and he remembers lunch all over again and the self hatred bubbles up again and everything, just _everything_ , feels so awful. Even being in front of the cameras and imagining the proud looks from the fans and his parents makes him feel sick. And then he hates himself more because if he had just had a little more control over himself and _not eaten_ (but he hadn't been able to stop once he started and he just feels so _weak_ ), he wouldn't be feeling this at all.

He wouldn't be feeling anything at all.

  
When the recording finishes, Woohyun takes the first chance he can while Sunggyu is occupied by the director and walks away. He moves faster and faster until he's sprinting through the empty hallways, his eyes blurring with tears because _goddamnit_ why does everything feel like it's falling down around him and it's like he's drowning in the rubble, desperately clawing his way out but things just keep falling and falling and falling until he's gasping for breath and clinging to the every last thread of sanity he can.

He ends up in the bathroom, clutching the edge of the toilet bowl, dry heaving and sobbing hysterically, desperately shoving two fingers down the back of his throat. He knows it's too late, it's been a good four hours since he ate, but he can still _feel_ it inside him and he feels _disgusting_ and he just needs to _get it out_ but all the comes up is clear liquid that burns his throat and tastes like failure.

Collapsing onto the floor, Woohyun cries over the toilet bowl, furious at himself but unable to stop his arms from shaking as he clings to the toilet. He can't see anything anymore and there's snot dripping from his nose and--

"Woohyun."

  
Trembling, Woohyun blinks his blurry eyes at the figure standing in the doorway of the stall, the one Woohyun had forgotten to lock in his panicked rush. (He didn't understand how he forgot; he's always been careful before -- he knew to make sure the bathroom was empty, to be certain no one saw him go in, and to lock the door securely before he brought his toothbrush out. But somehow, he forgot this time.)

And then Sunggyu is next to him, rubbing soothing circles into his shoulders as he holds Woohyun and whispering quiet words of reassurance into his ear.

Lifting his dongsaeng slightly to pull him away from the toilet, Sunggyu lets Woohyun collapse against him and cry into his shirt, not even wrinkling his nose at the drool and snot and tears and vomit staining his clothes as he strokes Woohyun's hair gently.

"Shhh, it's alright. Shhh. It's all going to be fine. I'm here, okay? "

  
Woohyun knows it isn't but it's nice to hear anyway and so he just cries harder, hysterically clutching his hyung like a lifeline.

*

When Sunggyu doesn't pull away, even after he's been kneeling on the hard bathroom tiles for close to an hour, Woohyun allows himself to fleetingly entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe, everything really would be okay in the end.

∞

**Author's Note:**

> Attempting an import from LJ. Original notes from when it was written 2 years ago: I've been having a lot of Woohyun ~feelings lately and I just want someone to take care of him always. This story's writing style probably be described as what-the-crap-too-many-parenthesis. Sorry. Also, it's not really edited. orz .-.


End file.
